It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
You Might Also Like
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Spring of Deception
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.