It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder