it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.