it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I think I’m gonna be sick
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs