It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
War & Peace
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
pizza
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”