It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?