It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
![]()
You Might Also Like
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Oh boy, $150,000!
![]()
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
![]()
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.