It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Lol.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Now who done made this a sport lmao
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺