It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.