Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Shoo shoo! 😂

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”