Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men