It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
What’s so funny?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.