It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
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6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
How wrong was this guy?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”