Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Those are good neighbors.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts