It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?