It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Solving a traffic jam
I wish this was real life…
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.