It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Finally, an explanation.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.