It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
emergency phone
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
✌🏽
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
The “baby” on the left….
