It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.