It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I think I’m having a stroke
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*