It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
You Might Also Like
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it