It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself