Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.