It was to keep our furry overlords contentš
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Me: yeah, Iām not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
āCanāt Take My Eyes Off Youā by Frankie Valli can come on and Iām all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF ITāS QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too donāt lie
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: Itās from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think itās probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Sometimes I sit on my hand till itās numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: Butā¦
[walking somewhere]
My cat: IāM GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: āThank you but Iām not coldā
Me: [covering her awful dress] āYes you areā
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someoneās face.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But Iām afraid of it
ME: Itās just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, āDo you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?ā
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: Thatās gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
āBob is coming over for dinner.ā
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*thereās a knock at the upstairs window*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
When people say āYou can fit a million earths in the sun!!!ā
Iām like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But Iām also losing my eyesight, so itās not my problem
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I said NO, Steve! Itās a terrible idea. Weāll never get away with itā¦
Eating Triscuits always feels like Iām chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
No laws when master is gone
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, weād all appreciate it