It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Breaking news:
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.