It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
(Musicians.)
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Noted.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.