it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
You Might Also Like
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Uh oh…
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.