Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine