Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.