It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.