Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while