It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.