It was worth a shot 😂
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I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
There is no “we” in pizza
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details