It was worth a shot 😂
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.