Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.