Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

me after drinking all the wine:

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash