It was worth a shot 😂
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.