It was worth a shot 😂
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It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me