It was worth a shot 😂
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero