It was worth a shot 😂
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I just stopped by to water my horse.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way