It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
You Might Also Like
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
dude it’s called proctologist
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]