It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.