– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Sign at work today
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
All is fair in drunk and war.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
mandolin: finally a violin for men
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
