Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

I am, perchance

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this