Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

philosophical skeletons be like

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

happy halloween

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.