Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight