“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting