Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or