Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

🏠

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I’m the neighbor

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

My Indian name is dances without coordination.