Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

socratic questions

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

podcasts

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.