It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes