It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The smoothest fall of all time
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.