God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room