@juliussharpe

It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@LisaMcAlister1

There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.

@El_nacho_Nigre

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

@ClichedOut

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

@EJGomez

this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?

@shannabanana67

Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*

@brothasoul

Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”

@murrman5

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?