It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?

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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…


It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.


“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother


There’s an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you’d be perfect for the job.


Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”


HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed


this toddler on the bus said “the wheels on the bus go round & round” & this guy yelled back “no shit Sherlock” & I can’t stop clapping?


Me: Once the raptor comes we will all be in a better place.
Friend: You mean Rapture.
Me: Ha! No.
*velociraptor sounds outside*


Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”


[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?