It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
#CoronaOutbreak
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster