It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time