It will always be this
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Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
i’m laughing very hard in real life
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
New favorite tiktok
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”