Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.