It will always be this
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.