It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
it must be school picture day
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.