It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
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TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Revenge served cold
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
very niche meme I made
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Its a hippotatomus
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system