When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.