@BackrowSeats

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.

You Might Also Like

@rajandelman

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”