My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”