@kibblesmith

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.

@randypaint

boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know

boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder

@pinupteacher

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@NickBossRoss

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

@Tmoney68

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

@hunz74

Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.

@VibesBummer

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

@LilMamacitaDont

I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.

@LizzieEMB

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*