Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
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boomers: video games teach kids that dying has no consequence, you can’t respawn in real life ya know
boomers 20 years ago: shut up and watch this coyote die repeatedly while attempting murder
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*