It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”