It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.