It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
