It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Sunday
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.