Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

gender is a sprctrum

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Reminder:

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.