Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

As per my previous tablet…

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”