Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.