Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

No. YOU-buprofen.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.