Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

What

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone