It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.