Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
not to brag, but mine was free
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭