It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.