It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Mission: Impossible
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.