It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
