Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Reporter: *ports again*

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*