It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™