It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned