It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A drum solo but on your face.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job