Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah