It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos